Saturday, 24 July 2004

The Boss Woman

My boss, a terrible, monstrous, lunatic glutton that attempts to distil fear into her employees in an ill planned scheme to try and control them best she can, fear is after all the ultimate authority...The outcome is in fact that nothing more than contempt and pity for her are bred in the fresh minds of the young foreign staff.

******* **** (name deleted at recommendation of lawyer), this awful wretch of a human, with a face of a bulldog chewing on shards of broken glass as well as being border line obese, has such an ill grasp of social etiquette and understanding that she often comes across as a complete sociopath. Thinking through anything before she says it or indeed acts it out is a distant and foreign concept...Yet these sociopath tendencies could possibly be dealt with if it here not for her foul arrogance and inner opinion that she is in fact always right.

These two terrible traits combined along with her beast like appearance prove to make for some rather difficult situations. Often her completely off the wall logic astounds me to such an extent that during the course of a conflict I am left completely speechless. Trying in my own mind to grasp her reasoning in order to retort my brain seizes up. In trying to comprehend her twisted and completely backward way of thinking she induces some unheard of reset mechanism within my brain, three words flashing over and over "Abort, Retry, Fail" in my peripheral vision as she rants like a pathetic angst filled teenager who’d been kicked in the head as a child whilst trying to milk a fucking bull.

During one moderately warm day for instance I was filling my California Innovations heat resistant 20 fluid-Oz water bottle to carry around on its belt strap and drink when necessary. "Stop that!" she exclaims in her elocution lesson English accent

"I believe you will work more efficiently if you take on lots of liquid before leaving for work then you do not have to carry around that bottle"

My brain stood still and my right eye began twitching slightly, her monstrous face making my eyes bleed whilst her fucking stupid, moronic logic made my mind prolapsed. My entire skull felt as if it was collapsing in upon itself or being eaten rapidly by some flesh eating virus such as Necrotizing Faciitis. I finally came to as she was walking away and suggested

"If I do that I will become bloated and sick, its only a very small bottle and I put it down when I’m working, plus if I do become thirsty again whilst I’m out there it saves me having to walk back to the kitchen to restock and become bloated again"

"No" she replied simply and carried on walking. So to spite the wench I drank almost a gallon of water in under 10 minutes and went walking to do my menial job of trimming weeds. As predicted I was bloated and sickly and after 20 minutes or so stuck with a constant and urgent need to urinate. As I plodded around I could hear my stomach sloshing, like a office water cooler when someone brushes past it in a hurry. The beasts logic had done her no favours yet she was completely oblivious to her failings as a reasonable manager of human resources.

Fuck her and her bad noise I thought as I walked back, trying to explain to her why the job was only half complete would only bring about further brain seizures from her lowly and confused logic. I expelled as much liquid as I could during the course of the early evening and after romping with my beautiful dancer girl drank gin and spiced rum heavily until the early morning giving no thought to any hangover I may have in the morning, I can work at a good pace on a hangover, but if she comes near me I thought, I’m doomed.

Saturday, 17 July 2004

Smoking Electricity

Female dancers are beautiful creatures, slender toned bodies often with an extraordinary ability for bending into hugely erotic positions...and this is no myth. During my stay at this abnormal resort deep in the heart of the great Northern Woods of America I have met a bewitching German girl called Natalie, her sculptured body is truly a work of art, if i could paint still life I would spend years studying her body and blissfully putting it on canvass.

We have been having a fantastic time together. One night the moon was full and bright in the sky and I suggested we should go out to the golf course and run around naked "wonderful idea" she said, so after gathering some supplies, rum and a blanket, we left our dank cabin for the fresh splendour of the course. As the moon shone down on her pert chest and firm round buttocks I couldn’t help myself and we romped like wild animals on the 12th green. After we finished we lay side by side holding hands drinking rum and looking at the full moon, as I sat up to take a swig of my drink a young Buck walked calmly past his ebony coat gently shining in the light of the moon the elegant creature not even noticing us laying 20 feet away still and embracing. He strolled off into the woods and we fell asleep under a blanket until the dew started to settle and it became too cold to lay even with the warming heat of each other’s bodies. It was a fantastic night but alas the moon has disappeared now, the orbital path allowing us just one perfect night of angelic silver light across our unified bodies.

She will leave soon and I fear I will be in great trouble, the weirdness and unpredictability of living in a tight and repetitive employment and social situation has to be dealt with in a solid diplomatic manner. Lumber a given number of no more than 20 young people together in a compact arena of alcohol and boredom and a chain reaction begins that has the potential to explode frightening speed. Generally its notable that people will forgo a degree of individuality, heart and spirit in order to maintain good vibes and not extenuate the speed of this reaction, why make your life harder and more jagged than it already is? No one appreciates other people talking about him or her behind their back.

Indeed, the avid fascination with terrible reality TV shows in this foul decade revolves centrally around these close, intimate and unpredictable social settings, which bring upset, disgrace and personal horror for the participants. Its common knowledge that when people are packed and herded like swine brutal reactions will occur often over the most trivial of matters. The only true way to deal with this is to hit the weirdness head on, a fool will say, "sit back governor, relax, take a load off, let them deal with their own horrors", this is an inept school boy approach. A difficulty left to clear itself up may bring the two or more involved into a closer bonding than before they started, perhaps they had no bonding and now they have a mutual appreciation and respect for each other and where are you left? On the outside, with potentially ugly repercussions baring down on yourself. Becoming involved is often the best thing one can do, being the middle man is generally a frustrating and unacceptable position for most people, only a honed social mind, largely from previous experience, can deal with the continued ugliness of both parties attempting to get and destroy one another though yourself in the correct manner, on the edge diplomacy is necessary to resolve the situation whilst allowing yourself to maintain a position of high standing. Only previous experience can fully prepare oneself for the manner of shenanigans that happens in a place like this the weak will perish at the bottom of the social hierarchy like the lame wolf of the pack.

I once talked to a one armed biker who smoked electricity in a terrible pit of a bar where the walls would sweat and the people had very few teeth, but so what? Fuck him, this monster could not prepare me for these confined social quarters, he could not teach me how to maintain a high social standing… only experience, get that straight, write it down and eat the paper, but assimilate this, life is about experience, get as much of it as you can.

I’d been here no more than 72 hours before this life experience came into fruition. After a heavy binge drink of Wild Turkey and tequila I decided to sleep on the floor, my back was still stiff from all the flying i had done in the previous days and I thought a solid surface would help straighten out my spine. I was meditating heavily in order to control stomach convulsions and a rotating brain that I assumed were from the terrible mix of tequila, whisky, beer and wine when I heard suspicious noises coming from the couch no more than 10 feet away. I remembered the room was calmly lit with wall mounted lamps and that a quick glance may help confirm my premonition that a couple were romping. In a swift Ninja style move, completely inaudible, my belief was affirmed, there was indeed a couple cavorting on the couch, why not?

As far as they were concerned I was an unconscious mess on he floor, a pile of liquefied flesh incapable of causing any ugliness that may have arose if I was able to jump up and perhaps grab the 4ft 20lbs fibre glass Musky fish sculpture hanging on the wall directly above my head and started swinging wildly in a fit of drunken hysteria, but alas I was incapable of such acts. So they continued to frolic, as they did I fell back into my meditative state and slipped into a deep sleep.

In the following days there was a definite sense of guilt and ugliness in the air on the resort, an acute social mind can pick up on such fine details and all of my receptors were working with 100% efficiency, the outer layers of the brain sensing minute changes in air pressure when standing next to someone due to a change in even the most trivial of things such as posture. As the situation transpired the romping couple were not a couple, they were simply victims tot he god of drunken passion, both having partners and this solitary act of fervour had set the chain reaction of at lightening speed. Bad vibes all around in this finely woven fabric of human emotion and social interaction, but one must maintain, there is really no choice, steering clear will cause a definite shift in attitude towards yourself, often for ill and in this regard your life may become very difficult, the lame wolf is eaten by scavengers looking for something to pick dry to keep themselves from falling, obnoxious swine always trying to get the upper hand in the hierarchical social structure that inevitably develops in such situations.

Sharp whit and fast thinking can quickly create a position for yourself as a person to which someone can confide in, trust and confidence allows their guts to spill and a porous mind soaking up all with emotion will allow oneself to get hold of and maintain in these weird and unpredictable social environments.

As well as honing my social abilities I’ve been establishing my skills of vehicle manoeuvring. This capability will always, I feel, hold you in good stead for a plethora of situations where you may rely on only certain parts of ones brain in order to survive. Normally the capacity to drive a golf cart efficiently should not be extenuated to life or death skills, however, it’s a good base to start on.

Some people have suggested to me alcohol, marijuana and all other sorts of drugs rather than impairing their ability to drive they are heightened giving them some sort of meta-awareness otherwise clouded when totally sober, however, as is the typical case sobriety is the best policy, I myself am one of the latter. Nevertheless in the misshaped state of a hangover driving a golf cart seems to become easier, more accurate, faster and more precise. My hangovers seem to allow my inner brain to take over the more developed outer layers of the brain that take such a hammering during a heavy drinking binge. The fine primordial brain used by warrior cave men to fight off sabre tooth tigers and such, giving lightening fast reactions without even having to think, if that is, one has the energy.

Powerful visual signals from the outside beamed directly into the centre of the brain via the retina and optical cords giving often over exaggerated yet controllable signals to the limbs, this is why for instance, i seem to be able to avoid collisions and accidents whilst driving after a terrible drinking session yet whilst sober I continually drive carts into ditches and wooded areas a bear would have difficulty navigating.

Feeling unconfident in a hungover state is a flaw I feel, maintain confidence, allow the deep inner mind to do the work in the best way it feels will keep you alive by assimilating the vast visual and audio information before you and conducting your limbs in the appropriate manner... it will not fail you.