Saturday, 24 July 2004

The Boss Woman

My boss, a terrible, monstrous, lunatic glutton that attempts to distil fear into her employees in an ill planned scheme to try and control them best she can, fear is after all the ultimate authority...The outcome is in fact that nothing more than contempt and pity for her are bred in the fresh minds of the young foreign staff.

******* **** (name deleted at recommendation of lawyer), this awful wretch of a human, with a face of a bulldog chewing on shards of broken glass as well as being border line obese, has such an ill grasp of social etiquette and understanding that she often comes across as a complete sociopath. Thinking through anything before she says it or indeed acts it out is a distant and foreign concept...Yet these sociopath tendencies could possibly be dealt with if it here not for her foul arrogance and inner opinion that she is in fact always right.

These two terrible traits combined along with her beast like appearance prove to make for some rather difficult situations. Often her completely off the wall logic astounds me to such an extent that during the course of a conflict I am left completely speechless. Trying in my own mind to grasp her reasoning in order to retort my brain seizes up. In trying to comprehend her twisted and completely backward way of thinking she induces some unheard of reset mechanism within my brain, three words flashing over and over "Abort, Retry, Fail" in my peripheral vision as she rants like a pathetic angst filled teenager who’d been kicked in the head as a child whilst trying to milk a fucking bull.

During one moderately warm day for instance I was filling my California Innovations heat resistant 20 fluid-Oz water bottle to carry around on its belt strap and drink when necessary. "Stop that!" she exclaims in her elocution lesson English accent

"I believe you will work more efficiently if you take on lots of liquid before leaving for work then you do not have to carry around that bottle"

My brain stood still and my right eye began twitching slightly, her monstrous face making my eyes bleed whilst her fucking stupid, moronic logic made my mind prolapsed. My entire skull felt as if it was collapsing in upon itself or being eaten rapidly by some flesh eating virus such as Necrotizing Faciitis. I finally came to as she was walking away and suggested

"If I do that I will become bloated and sick, its only a very small bottle and I put it down when I’m working, plus if I do become thirsty again whilst I’m out there it saves me having to walk back to the kitchen to restock and become bloated again"

"No" she replied simply and carried on walking. So to spite the wench I drank almost a gallon of water in under 10 minutes and went walking to do my menial job of trimming weeds. As predicted I was bloated and sickly and after 20 minutes or so stuck with a constant and urgent need to urinate. As I plodded around I could hear my stomach sloshing, like a office water cooler when someone brushes past it in a hurry. The beasts logic had done her no favours yet she was completely oblivious to her failings as a reasonable manager of human resources.

Fuck her and her bad noise I thought as I walked back, trying to explain to her why the job was only half complete would only bring about further brain seizures from her lowly and confused logic. I expelled as much liquid as I could during the course of the early evening and after romping with my beautiful dancer girl drank gin and spiced rum heavily until the early morning giving no thought to any hangover I may have in the morning, I can work at a good pace on a hangover, but if she comes near me I thought, I’m doomed.

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